self-reflection

i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with this post, but there are a lot of things i've been thinking about recently in terms of myself and my life and i thought i would write about them here. this semester has been difficult because i've been busy and sick and still dealing with some things that are making life harder, but at the same time i am really enjoying where i'm at right now. most of my classes are on subjects i really love, like modern art, history of photography, art business, and italian, and i think this makes school feel a lot more worthwhile. senior year is exciting because i'm finally figuring out what i'm doing and where i'm going with my life and it feels really good. i've been really discovering what i'm passionate about, and these are exciting things to pursue! i'm working on a lot of things outside of school, like research grants and internship applications and law school preparation (what?!?) and i kind of feel like an adult for the first time.

i've been reflecting on a lot of things in the past couple of weeks. today my art business class met with artist brian kershisnik, and i was reminded of some of his works that i really admire and connect with (constellations and she will find what is lost, above). i think these paintings pretty beautifully illustrate some of the things i've been thinking about. general conference last week was incredible and just what i needed. something i know to be true is that the lord is mindful of us and what we are going through. every time i feel alone or overwhelmed or frustrated or sad, the lord reminds me with some tender mercy that he loves me completely and knows me perfectly. i really encourage you to read or listen to the general conference talks if you have not yet had a chance to, because i promise that they contain personal answers for each of us and they are words the lord wants us to hear. my favorites were elder holland's like a broken vessel and president uchtdorf's you can do it now. i think those are such important messages but we forget them pretty easily sometimes. i am grateful for inspired leaders and a heavenly father who loves us. i'll leave you with these beautiful words from president monson and elder holland:

"that love never changes. it is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. god's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. it is simply always there."

"above all, never lose faith in your father in heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

on resolutions

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i love this time of year. i've been reflecting recently on the past year and the things that i've experienced and learned. 2012 was a good year for me. i turned twenty. i finished half of my junior year of college. i got a new job that i love. i got to travel a lot. i grew closer to my family and friends. i had a lot of really wonderful experiences. i also had some difficult and trying experiences, but those have helped me to grow and to learn more about myself, and i'm just as grateful for those experiences as i am for the others. with the beginning of this new year, i've been thinking a lot about this talk and i've made several of my own resolutions for 2013.

this year, i resolve to:

1. have more meaningful and consistent scripture study.
2. go to bed earlier.
3. read thirty books.

the first and second resolutions are both things i have struggled with in the past, but i know working on them will make a world of difference in my daily life. the third is just something i've been wanting to do. i love to read, and making time for reading even during school makes me a lot happier. i'm excited to work on these things and see the changes they bring about. happy new year and here's to resolutions!

savior, redeemer of my soul

please listen to this song.

performed by dallyn vail bayles, with jenny oaks baker on violin

if you've seen the movie 17 miracles, you might recognize this arrangement by rob gardner. i remember loving it when i watched that film, and then one of my home teachers sang this same arrangement in our sacrament meeting recently, with the violin and piano accompaniment, and it gave me goosebumps. the other day i heard someone playing it on the piano in the wilk, and i looked it up as soon as i got home. i was having a really hard day, and i just played this video on youtube and i honestly started crying. it's really beautiful and just what i needed. i hope it resonates with you too.

forget me not

this week we had a general relief society broadcast in preparation for our church's general conference this coming weekend. one of the speakers was president dieter f. uchtdorf, an apostle in the first presidency of our church. i love president uchtdorf, and every time i listen to one of his talks it's just what i need to hear. in his talk on saturday, he spoke about the tiny blue forget-me-not flower, and he listed five things that he wants us to never forget.

forget not to be patient with yourself

forget not the difference between a wise sacrifice and a foolish one

forget not to be happy now

forget not the "why" of the gospel

forget not that the lord loves you

i just love those reminders. president uchtdorf knows us so well. i'm grateful for the gospel in my life and i'm so excited for general conference this weekend. i love hearing all the inspired messages because i know that during conference we're hearing exactly what the lord wants to tell us. i will be thinking all this week about the questions and concerns that have been on my mind lately because whenever i go to conference with questions i always receive answers and guidance that feel so personal to me and my experiences. i honestly can't wait to hear president uchtdorf speak again this weekend! i feel pretty spoiled to hear from him twice in two weeks. this talk was so wonderful and i encourage you to watch it if you haven't already. you can watch the full talk here and read or listen to some highlights here. i wrote down his list of principles to forget not and hung them on my bulletin board as a constant reminder. i really love the image of that little blue flower and know that from now on it will certainly be a happy symbol to me.

"sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. i hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. please never forget that the 'why' of the gospel of jesus christ will inspire and uplift you. and never forget that your heavenly father knows, loves, and cherishes you."

source

hoe to the end of the row.

september has been a pretty crazy month for my family.

this video is about my grandparents' pumpkin patch.


my older sister liz and i were able to fly out to new york last weekend for our grandfather's funeral. it was a bittersweet couple of days, and i'm really grateful we got to spend time with all of our extended family and just remember grandpa. almost all of my family is from the same area in upstate new york, and their town was hit so hard by hurricane irene. driving around was really sobering, and it made me feel very grateful and blessed that my family in new jersey was unaffected. my aunt and uncle's house and many of their belongings (from their piano to all their books and their family photos) were really destroyed, and a lot of damage was done to my grandparents' pumpkin patch, but i was so impressed to see their optimistic and grateful attitudes. even in the midst of such adversity and with the loss of our grandfather, all of my family was so grateful. i love seeing the influence the gospel can have in our lives and the perspective and hope it can give us in times of hardship.

i'm grateful for my grandfather's life, the way he lived what he taught, and the many lessons i've learned from his example. i feel very thankful to have such an incredible family and to see the ways in which the gospel blesses my life every day.

tender mercies.

this week i've been having one of the most stressful/worst weeks i've had since i came to byu. i had tons of papers and assignments and so many things going on, and i've just been feeling really homesick and kind of miserable. ever since i realized there are only three weeks left of school, it feels like my classes are weighing down on me extremely hard, and all i can think about is how badly i want to be home.

but in the midst of all this, i've felt really blessed this week and i know the lord has been looking out for me. i'm so grateful to constantly feel his influence in my life.

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty, even unto the power of deliverance."

-1 Nephi 1:20

if you haven't read this talk, you probably should. it's so good.

anyway, some tender mercies that helped make this week bearable for me were:

-something i desperately needed to work out with school just working out perfectly

-my friends helping me make decorations and some stuff for liz's party when i was really stressed

-seeing hartsock, abouo, zylstra, and jake heaps at legends grille

okay, not really a tender mercy, but it made my day.

-my friend emma sneakily cleaning my room while i was gone one time

that sweetheart.

-friends offering me a ride two different times when i really needed one, without me even asking them

-waking up on time for all my morning classes

which is surprising considering how little sleep i got this week.

-reading my patriarchal blessing and getting out of it exactly what i needed to hear

guess what?

general conference is this weekend!

it's just what i need right now.

guess what else?

i'm going home in 20 days!

happy friday!